


Do You Remember the First Time

by TwistedDuck



Series: I will not give up and I will not give in [5]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-22
Updated: 2016-02-22
Packaged: 2018-05-22 17:11:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,284
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6087790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TwistedDuck/pseuds/TwistedDuck
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>How the reader and Sam first met.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Do You Remember the First Time

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry, can't stop writing for this reader insert series.

You’d just finished taking care of the Wendigo that had been causing havoc near Portland, Oregon and were heading back to your car through the dense forest when you heard a noise behind you. Without a moment’s hesitation, you swung round, flare gun and pistol at the ready. 

“Woah! I come in peace” said a cute tall guy with sandy coloured hair.

“Yeah well I don’t so perhaps you shouldn’t sneak up on people” you spat back, not lowering your weapons.

“Look, you shouldn’t be out here, it’s dangerous” persisted the guy. “There’s something killing people in these woods”

“Not anymore there isn’t” you smugly announced. “I toasted the little fucker ten minutes ago” You blew over the top of your flare gun for effect as if blowing away smoke. 

The guy just gaped at you in shock. Before jumping at hearing his name called.

“Dean, where are you?”

“Sammy, I’m up here with Wonder Woman”

A few seconds later a somehow even taller and cuter guy came into the clearing to join you and the guy you now knew was called Dean.

“What do you mean by Wonder Woman” the Sammy guy asked looking at Dean.

“He means me cos I took care of the Wendigo. I’m going to channel Sherlock here and deduce that you’re the Winchesters. Oh and by the way I’d prefer it if you called me Tank Girl or Black Widow. Way cooler. Otherwise you can call me (Y/N)”

Sam looked at you for the first time and you couldn’t help but lock eyes despite the height difference. Your breath caught in your throat as you took in those beautiful hazel irises and the long hair that framed his face so perfectly. You saw a blush form on his cheeks and felt your own burn a little. You quickly broke the tension.

“Right, well, I best be off. Lovely to meet you guys” With that, you walked off into the woods leaving the Winchesters oddly dumbstruck. Once you knew you were safely out of view, you sprinted the last half mile to your car and left town straight away. You couldn’t fully explain why except that you knew you were trying to outrun whatever deeply buried emotion Sam Winchester had just rekindled within you.

That night, sleeping in your car in some crappy picnic spot 100 miles further down the road, you dreamt about Sam. Nothing major or kinky, just him. Just there, in front of you smiling. 

You’d dream about him often after that night. Sometimes innocent and sometimes not so much. Regardless of how much your waking self attempted to ignore the whole Sam situation, your unconscious brain was obviously smitten.

It would be three months before you bumped into the Winchesters again.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

Walking through the cemetery, shovel in hand, you saw a sudden burst of light ahead. Dashing forwards, you ran straight into the Winchesters. Dean was helping Sam off the floor where he’d clearly been thrown by the ghost of Benjamin Braithwaite; the remains of whom you were intending to salt and burn. 

The sight of Sam injured made your stomach lurch and before you knew it you were running over to his side.

“Are you okay? Did you bang your head?” 

Your sudden appearance took the Winchesters by surprise causing Sam to stumble backwards.

Dean looked at you for a second before breaking into a grin and declaring “Hey it’s Natasha Romanoff! Looks like we beat you to it this time” He gave you a smug smirk.

“No skin off my nose. Thanks for doing all the hard work for me. Well if you don’t mind I’ll leave you boys to finish up. See you around”

You started to turn but Sam instinctively caught hold of your arm causing you to wince. “Sorry” he said letting go. “It’s just, won’t you stick around? Come get some food with us or something?” 

You were going to resist but you foolishly looked up and saw the sweetest puppy eyes ever staring back down at you.

You shrugged. “Okay but you two are buying. Do you mind if I head back to my hotel first for some sleep? Meet at Joe’s Diner for breakfast? Say 9am?”

“Works for me” replied Dean. 

You turned and headed back to your car trying to hide the fact your arm was stinging and hoping the self-harm Sam had inadvertently grabbed wasn’t bleeding too profusely.

Back at the hotel, you showered and examined the damage to your arm. You hadn’t cut yourself too badly early but it was enough to warrant homemade stitches in a couple of the deeper wounds. Unfortunately, it was one of these that Sam had gripped which meant it had ripped back open. You repaired the damage before bandaging your arm and making a mental note to wear a long sleeved, dark coloured top tomorrow. Oh and maybe learn to stick to your thighs as summer was coming up.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next day you met the Winchesters at the diner as promised. Sam stood up when you arrived, making Dean stare at him smugly. He froze for a second looking like he was desperate to hug you but couldn't. Muttering something about visiting the gents, he hurried off. You couldn't help watching him go, feeling an ache in the pit of your stomach. You sat down opposite Dean and began to lazily flick through the menu. 

“Well you're chatty in the mornings”

Your head snapped up. “Oh crap, sorry Dean, bit out of it. Morning; how's you?”

He just laughed and stretched out across his side of the booth. 

Sam returned a few minutes later and went to sit by his brother. 

“Dude move up”

“Nah I'm too comfy, sit next to (Y/N)”

Sam threw Dean a bitchface and sat down next to you trying to balance on the edge of the seat rather than crowd you. 

You chuckled “I don't bite you know, you can budge up this way; just don't start man-spreading is all” they looked at you confused. Rolling your eyes you explained “you know, when a bloke opens his legs ridiculously wide as if he’s built like Ron Jeremy, and encroaches on the personal space of the person sitting next to him” 

Dean snorted. “Sammy definitely doesn’t have to worry about that”

“And how would you know? Been comparing?” you retorted, wiping the smirk off Dean’s face.

Sam chuckled and moved up a bit; you could feel the warmth radiating off him. You felt goosebumps appear over your limbs and your mouth went dry. Perfect time for the waitress to come take your orders.

“Just coffee and a glass of orange juice please” you stammered after forcibly swallowing the lump in your throat. Your leg had started bouncing of its own accord and you could tell it was jiggling the entire booth.

The brothers looked at you and you quickly planted your foot squarely on the ground.

When the waitress left, Dean turned to you. “Not hungry?” You shook your head. In reality you were starving but you were always guaranteed to spill something down yourself if you ate in front of someone you were keen on. It was much safer just to stick with a drink. 

However the smell of Sam’s toast when it was put next to you caused your stomach to audibly rumble. Sam’s mouth twitched briefly into a smile and he slid it in front of you before asking the waitress for another few slices. You blushed like an idiot but picked up a piece and took a large bite out of it. You couldn’t understand what it was about the man next to you that made you feel simultaneously nervous and at home at the same time. All you knew was sitting next to him but not touching was starting to feel unbearable. As if he could read your mind, Sam moved in a little further in so that your legs gently brushed against each other. You both seemed to relax at the physical contact.

Soon you, Sam and Dean were sharing childhood memories and hunting stories. Dean let slip about the book series and you made a mental note to track them down and find out all you could about the Winchesters. 

An hour later, Sam paid the bill and you all headed out towards your respective cars. There was a man in a trench coat leaning against yours. 

“Err excuse me?” 

“Cas, get off (Y/N)’s car” Dean shouted over.

Cas stood up and walked over to you, scanning your face and taking in your long sleeves despite the warmth outside. “You’re injured. Here” He placed two fingers on your forehead and you felt an odd tingling warmth spread through you. 

“Thanks?”

Sam came over and looked at you quizzically. “What did he mean you were injured? You should have said something, we could have helped”

You shrugged “It’s nothing, just cut my arm on something. Pure clumsiness. Why I flinched when you grabbed it last night”

Sam went to apologise but you waved it off. 

“Well, I best be going…”

“Can I have your number?” Sam blurted out before hastily redeeming himself “In case we need to team up for a job or something”

You smiled and handed him your phone to put his number in. When he’d finished, you sent him a text so he could save your number. 

“Lovely to meet you all properly. I’ll see you boys around” 

You got in your car and drove off; feeling like you’d just left a part of yourself behind. You quickly took one last glance of Sam in your rear-view mirror before he became too far away to see. You were heartened to discover he was watching you leave and only turned away when Dean playfully jabbed him in the ribs.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You fully expected to have to wait weeks before hearing from Sam, so when your phone buzzed whilst you were getting ready for bed that night you thought it would be from Garth or another hunter. 

Feeling foolish for all the butterflies in your stomach as his name flashed up on the screen, you sat on the edge of the bed before opening the message.

“Hi, just wanted to check in. If you need anything, let me know. Sam”

Your stomach dropped a little at the coolness of the text. Maybe you'd imagined the spark between you.

“Hi Sam. All’s well here. Ditto. (Y/N)”

You climbed into bed and flicked off the light. As you started drifting off to sleep your phone started vibrating on the night stand. You rolled over and saw Sam’s number. 

“Hello?” You heard scuffling and muttered voices on the other end before Sam finally spoke. 

“Hey sorry, Dean was messing with my phone. Did we wake you?”

“No, I'm in bed but no you didn't wake me, don't worry” you face palmed. Why did you tell him you were in bed? He didn't need to know that.

There was a brief silence on the other end and you could swear you heard Dean laughing. Sam cleared his throat. The silence was too much for you.

“Are you and Dean onto another case?”

“What? Oh, err no we’re back at the bunker. You onto another case?”

Relieved to have a safe topic at last, your nerves lifted a little. “There's a vamp nest a town over I’m off to check out tomorrow…”

“ON YOUR OWN?”

Sam’s sudden flare up made you jump. “Yeah, course on my own. I’ve taken plenty of nests out on my own before, thanks”. You knew you sounded petulant but you didn't need a bloke dictating what you should or shouldn’t be doing or treating you like some feeble little girl.

“I'm sorry, I'm sure you're more than capable but you really should think about having some back up. Where are you? We could meet you at the nest if you wait a day”

You knew he was just trying to be helpful but all Sam was managing to do was annoy you. You weren't some Damsel in Distress that needed a big strong man to come rescue you. You decided to get off the phone before you lost your temper. Trying to keep your tone light you said “Honestly Sam, it'll be fine. Well I better get some sleep. Night”

Sam mumbled night back at you, sounding a little disappointed. You hung up and stared at the ceiling in the dark. You don't know why you got so angry with Sam or why you were so determined to prove you could take a nest out on your own. You knew he was right about back up. 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After an hour of lying in bed with no sign of sleep, you gave up, got dressed and went in search of the nearest dive bar. 

After your second rum and coke, you were still feeling tightly wound and also pretty crappy about the whole Sam situation. You headed to the ladies and sat in the only cubicle with a lock. Praying that this place wasn’t so filthy you’d catch hepatitis, you rolled up your sleeve and pulled out you flick knife. You ran the blade down the inside of your left arm a few times. Not deep enough for stitches but enough to feel some of the tension leave your hunched shoulders. 

Waiting a few minutes for the bleeding to ease, you rolled your sleeve back down before returning to the booth you’d been inhabiting all night.

You were sat in the corner drinking your third drink, when a group of raucous twenty-somethings came in. One of the men clocked you from the bar and headed over to your table, sitting down opposite.

“Fuck off” you said without looking up. 

“That's not very friendly” You threw him your best bitchface before returning to your drink. “Oh now now, don't be like that” He grabbed your arm painfully tight, smiling when you winced and gritted your teeth to fight the pain. You could feel the blood running down your arm from the pressure he was placing on your fresh cuts. “Mmm. That smells like heaven”

Great, the nest had found you before you could find them. Back up was looking pretty good right now. 

At least hunting meant you were always prepared for any eventuality. Your other hand quickly pulled a syringe of dead man’s blood out of your jacket pocket and stabbed it into the vampire’s thigh.

“You little bitch!” he growled as he slumped over. 

You freed your arm and walked as casually as possible to the exit, breaking into a run as soon as the door shut behind you. 

Back at your room, you threw everything into your bag before getting in your car and driving in the opposite direction. Every bit of you knew you should ring Sam and Dean but stubbornness wouldn't allow it. Once you had a couple of hundred miles between you and the vamps, you stopped for a few hours sleep.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When the sun came up, you turned back around and headed towards the nest. Stopping only for some much needed caffeine, you pulled up outside the old house about noon.  
You quickly tooled up and headed in; determined to get this over and done with. The first room you entered had two vamps asleep next to each other making it possible to dispatch both at the same time. Hoping such luck would hold, you moved onto the next room which was frustratingly clear, meaning you'd have to venture upstairs to find the rest of them. 

There were three doors leading from the landing; one was open to reveal the empty bathroom but the other two were closed and hiding who knew how many leaches. You tackled the nearest room first so that you'd have a clear escape route if necessary. This room contained five bloodsuckers. You managed to behead three of them before the other two became aware of what was happening. They're angry shouts roused the remainder of the nest, leaving you cornered four very awake and pissed off vamps to one overtired hunter.  
You dropped one by stabbing them with a syringe before spinning around and taking out two more with your machete. You were jumped from behind by another who sank her teeth into your shoulder.

“Fucking bitch” you screamed, launching yourself into a forward roll and knocking her off you. You felt your flesh rip away as she was forcefully detached but pushed on through the pain. You swiftly decapitated her and the poisoned vamp.

Once you'd checked the house was clear, you stumbled outside and succumbed to the pain radiating through your body. You sat on the porch leaning against the front of the house and closed your eyes for a few seconds.

You woke to a rough pair of hands holding your face and a male voice shouting your name. You automatically went into self-defense mode, bringing your arms up to slam those holding you away before lunging forward, knocking the unknown man to the floor and pinning him there. You were about to strike when someone grabbed you from behind, dragging you off the first person. You wrapped your leg round one of theirs, bringing them crashing to the ground. You were trying to break free of their armlock when Sam Winchester’s beaming face appeared over you. You stopped struggling and turned your head enough to realise you were being held by Dean.

“Told you not to sneak up on me” you muttered.

Dean let go and Sam helped you up. 

“You know you're bleeding right?” asked Dean taking in your ripped and sodden shirt as he pushed himself up of the floor.

“Yeah I thought I probably was after Vampyra made me her last meal.” You swayed on the spot as the sudden adrenaline rush left you. “Sorry to be a pain and all but as you boys just had to show up to help, think you could burn the remains for me? I'm exhausted” With that you slumped over unconscious.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Angry voices woke you but you kept still not wanting to alert their owners until you could figure out where you were. 

“She could have been killed Dean!”

“But she wasn't Sammy, she's fine. She needed a few stitches and some sleep, that's all. She took out a nest on her own and still floored both of us despite her blood loss. She's incredible. And you know it” 

“What's that supposed to mean?”

Dean laughed “I'm referring to the way you've clearly been infatuated with her since the day you met. It's (Y/N) this and (Y/N) that. Why else did we drive 500 miles on no sleep?”

You heard Sam groan. “What am I supposed to do Dean? Yeah, okay I, I think I love her” Dean choked on something. “Shut up jerk. I can’t help it okay? From the moment I saw her, I can’t explain it Dean. I need her near me, I need to know she's safe but how can she ever be safe if she's with me?”

Your heart skipped a little at this news and it took every bit of self-control not to gasp out loud at this revelation.

“Hey come on this isn't Jess or Madison we’re talking about. (Y/N) is different, she can look after herself”

You wished you knew who Jess and Madison were. You really had to make time to read those books.

“I don't care Dean. I'm not letting her get close to me. End of discussion”

You heard someone leave the room. The bed sank as someone sat down next to you.

“You can stop pretending to be asleep now sweetheart” came Dean’s voice from just above your head. You peeped out from where your hair covered your eyes and gave Dean a mischievous smile. “Did you hear all that?” You nodded. “I know you feel the same way, don't deny it. I've seen the way you two look at each other. Sam’ll come round, don't worry”

You sat up at this and pushed yourself off the bed; temper flaring up again. “Who says I want anything from either of you? I'm not some stupid little girl who's going to sit around and wait for Prince Charming to get his head out of his ass. I'm doing just fine on my own thanks.” You picked up your stuff and walked out the motel room slamming the door closed behind you. 

You were glad to see the boys had had enough brains to bring your car back with them. You found the keys in your jacket pocket and threw your bag onto the backseat. You were halfway into your seat when Sam ran over. 

“Where are you going?”

“It's okay Sam, I'm just not letting myself get close to you” With that you slammed the car door, reversed out of the parking lot and sped off.

You knew you were overreacting but your past had taught you that you were better off alone. You weren’t prepared to be the victim of the male ego ever again. Too many times you’d let a man into your life only for it to end badly for you. And even if Sam wasn’t like that, well you couldn’t risk him being tarnished by your presence. You were damaged goods now and you knew it. You were too crazy, too unbalanced to inflict yourself on somebody. 

But Dean had been right, you had fallen for Sam. And hard. It terrified you. You had thought about him every day since you first met. Imagining living and hunting together. Maybe even settling down eventually but if you loved him the best thing you could do for him was to let him get on with his life without you. And even though the thought of it was making your heart rip in two, you would try to do the same.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Leaving Sam outside of that crappy motel had felt like having your insides ripped out. He’d tried to call you a few times but you'd ignored him and eventually blocked his number to stop yourself drunk dialing him. 

The next two months went past in a blur of hunts and alcohol. You were grieving for a life you never knew you wanted and now you’d never have. You barely ate; any hunger in you was squeezed out by the ever growing pit of misery in your chest and the voice in your head that told you that you didn’t deserve to eat anyway. Your weight plummeted and your arms were covered in self-inflicted wounds in varying stages of healing. The slashes on your arms concentrated more and more around your wrists. What was once merely a coping mechanism for really tough days started to become a sick game of seeing just how far you would go. You were becoming reckless but you didn't care, in fact you welcomed it. Having nothing left to fight for almost felt liberating. 

Unable to sleep, you spent your nights wandering the streets of whatever city you were in, listening to music on your iPod; grazing your knuckles against the wall as you walked along until they were raw and bleeding. Almost wishing someone or something would try to attack you. When you were too tired to leave your bed you would torture yourself by reading all about Sam’s life story in Chuck’s books. It broke your heart to discover everything Sam had suffered through but it merely deepened your determination to not be another burden on him. The books just confirmed what the little voice in your head had always said, Sam Winchester was too good for you. You didn’t deserve him and you never would.

You just hoped that Sam had come to the same conclusion and moved on even if you couldn't. 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It had been four months since you last saw Sam, when you heard of a case in Flint, Michigan. People were being seen in two places at once; committing crimes one side of the city whilst being seen on the other end of town. Everything about the reports screamed Shapeshifter to you, so you headed off to Flint.

You scouted the city for a couple of days before tracking down the creature’s lair. When you got to the boarded up house your heart sank; the Winchester’s Impala was parked outside. Just seeing the car made you feel like all the air had been punched out of you. You were about to turn back around when you heard Dean’s panicked shout.

“Sammy look out!”

Before you even realised what was happening, you were running up the front steps and into the house. Sam was lying sprawled on the floor of the kitchen, blood trickling from a gash above his eyebrow. You prayed he was only unconscious. You saw Dean run across to him but get thrown backwards by what could only be described as a behemoth of a man. The giant then moved back towards Sam. 

Without thinking you took a running jump onto the shifters back, stabbing him in the neck with your silver blade. It threw you off and into the wall with a sickening crunch. Behind it you could see Dean back on his feet with his own blade in hand. As the shifter aimed towards Sam again, you used your last bit of strength to throw yourself over his face and torso as protection. 

A grunt followed by a heavy thump informed you that Dean had killed the shifter but you didn't move. You were too busy desperately feeling for a pulse on Sam’s neck. Finally finding it, you sobbed “Sammy, thank God” and blacked out. 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Sick”. You lifted your head off the soft surface you were laying on. It throbbed violently but was overridden by the need to vomit. “SICK!”

The Impala had barely pulled to the side of the road before you lunged out of the door. Sam followed you and held your hair away from your face.

“Sorry”

“It's okay”

“No…please… sorry” you slurred out.

“What for?”

“Jess and Madison and Ruby. I…I’m sorry…” but you had to turn to be sick again.

“How do you know about Jess? And Madison and Ruby?” You looked away guiltily. “Those bloody books! I'm going to kill Chuck if we ever see him again”

“I'm sorry” you began again “I just needed to be close to you. I missed you so much. I think, I mean, I know, I love you, Sammy” 

“What?” 

But you just swayed on the spot before your eyes rolled back into your head and you keeled over. Sam caught you and carried you back to the car. 

The next time you woke up you were in a darkened, windowless room. A cold compress was on your head and a hand was in yours. You looked over to see Sam asleep in the chair next to you. You were shocked to see how thin and tired he looked. Clearly the last few months hadn’t been easy for either of you.

“Sammy” you croaked.

His head shot up. “(Y/N)? Baby? Are you okay?”

You held your arms open for Sam to crawl into. He smiled and laid next to you. 

“I feel like a pig shat in my head”

Sam laughed and kissed you on the lips. He went to slide his tongue in but you pulled away. He frowned and looked down at you.

“Vomit mouth remember”

“Don't care” he replied, leaning down and kissing you deeply. “I love you (Y/F/N) and I’m never letting you go again”

You burst out crying. “I love you too Sam Winchester, ever since I first saw you. But I just, I couldn’t…I knew I wasn’t good enough. I’m so damaged. And oh Sammy, I’m sorry I was so horrible to you and…and..I should leave” you choked out trying to pull away.

But Sam just pulled you further into his embrace and kissed your forehead.

“Do you hear yourself? Are you kidding me? Dean told me how you shielded me from the shifter even though you were injured. I was so scared of losing you. I stupidly pushed you away. When I saw you leave that day, it was worse even than losing Jess and Madison. I loved Jess with all my heart yet from the moment I first saw you it was if I became whole. It was like you were a piece of me I didn’t even know was missing. And all the pain and suffering I saw in your face that my stupid words had made, it was unbearable. I’m the one not worthy of your love”

You sobbed at his words. How could this wonderful person think he was the one not worthy? You held him tighter and buried yourself further into his arms. Eventually you fell back asleep. 

When you woke, Sam was gone. You sat up too quickly and were rewarded by a heavy pounding in your head. The room span violently causing you to squeeze your eyes tight. You heard the sound of ruffling feathers before a gravelly voice commanded you to lie back down. You tried to open your eyes again but the room just swam again so you did as you were told and lay back on the pillows. The door opened and you heard two sets of footsteps enter the room.

“Jesus Cas want to warn people when you’re going to pop up out of the blue?” came Dean’s voice.

With your eyes closed you didn’t see Cas frown but you suddenly felt two fingers on your head before a strange tingling ran through your body. You felt your arms heal and the concussion lift. Until that point you had forgotten about the damage to your wrists and were grateful that the long sleeved top and fake wrist supports you had on when you’d passed out were still in place. The last thing you needed was Sam and Dean to see exactly how messed up you were. 

Feeling a lot better you pulled yourself up against the headboard and cautiously opened your eyes.

“How do you feel?” Cas asked. 

You had a sense Cas meant more than just your physical wellbeing. 

“I’m good, thanks” You gave him a weak but genuine smile. You felt better than you had in a long time. 

Sam sat next to you and took your hand in his. You moved closer and tentatively looked up into his eyes as if searching for something. It felt insane but in his eyes it felt you found the missing part of yourself too.

“You have (Y/N)” Cas said reading your thoughts. “You and Sam are soulmates. You were destined to be. I wish I could have told you before but I had to let you discover for yourselves”

You both just stared at Cas. “Hang on, did you just read my mind?” Cas nodded at you. “Cool but please don’t make a habit of it”

Sam and Dean however were just looking back and forth at each other and then at you. 

“Soulmates Cas, seriously?” Dean scoffed.

“Yes Dean. Just as your parents were soulmates, so are Sam and (Y/N). You too have a soulmate Dean that you will eventually meet.”

You perked up at that. “Sorry but apart from creating these two, that didn’t particularly work out well Cas so perhaps not the best example. Also, Dean’s met his soulmates” everyone looked at you “Baby and pie, obviously”

Sam laughed and pulled you into his arms.

Within a few weeks, you had officially moved in to the bunker.


End file.
